ThE sToRy Of My LiFe

radical and iradical

2004-09-27T22:15:18Z

I've started a new life. New people. New friends. New things. Meeting my mom was not what I was hoping, though I knew it would be this way. Her favorite things to do are sleep and smoke crystal. But don't think less of me 'cause I come from someone like that. It's not her fault she's dying... it's her fault she's losing me. I grew up in foster homes... nine years. Not always fun, but it had it's moments. I wanted a life like any child would want. A mom, dad, my brother's and sister, a home. Food. New clothes. A roof over my head. Why is it that what your heart desires most is what you never get?

I've met someone new. His name is Ben. Caring. Charming. Warm. Everything I've wanted in a man but thought I'd never find. He's good to me. Sometimes more than I deserve. But what is it exactly I deserve? More than I think I do I know that much. When you have a background like mine you learn not to take things for granted, but to accept things for what they are and not to ask for too much. Ben does for me what no man has ever done. Though only eighteen years old, I find myself wiser beyond my years, by this meaning I've found in Ben what others don't usually find in a lifetime. A friend. I don't mean "hey buddy how's it going let's go have mad sex and then grab a bite to eat", kind of friend. Or the type you call up one day cause you're board or just need someone to bullshit with. Ben is they type of friend that can feel my heart beat from miles away. Who can hear a tear fall down my cheek and splash graciously onto the ground beneath me. Ben can hold me even if he's nowhere around. He feels me in his soul. I feel him in mine. He comforts me without question when I'm angry. His smile alone cheers me up. When I look at him I can't help but laugh, no matter the mood. It's an energy in us I never knew existed. One that will never die.

I came to Oregon to meet my mom, my intentions to form the family I lost all those years ago. When reality struck and I found myself face to face with a dying woman who prefered to pass over than be with her own flesh and blood, it hit me hard. And I mean hard.

Nine years. Nine years of foster homes, of sexual abuse, of new "families" and new friends. Nine years of wondering why. Nine years of hoping and praying and wishing. Nobody, not even Sean, can tell me I've fucked up. Because I believe in myself and I believe in life. And I believe that things work out for a reason. God gives you two paths. No matter which one you take, it will always have the same outcome, it just depends on whether you want to take the hard way... or the easy way. I don't know which path I have taken yet, but I feel I'm on the right one. A few challenges, more than I care to have, but even the easy path has a few bumps.

With that being said, Sean, if you ever read this, know that I loved you. I loved you with all my heart. But things change and people change. I've changed. I want to be happy, and with you I wasn't. I was tired of the facade I put on every day. Telling people all was well when I was dying inside. The world works in mysterious ways. We met for a reason, as were we together for that same reason. You helped me with my transaction from loley foster child to a more secure woman, and for that I thank you. I wish you the best in your journey through life, and if we shall ever meet again, may it be blessed and fullfilling.

.....

2004-08-20T05:10:43Z

As you all know I did a bad thing in Oregon when Sean and I were there...

I also want you to know that I'm sorry for it.

I hope you all can forgive me.

oregon vacation

2004-06-17T22:37:48Z

sean and i are flying to oregon on july 2nd. I'm excited for two reasons... one, i don't have to pay for it. (sean's dad is paying for both of us). two, i'm going on a plane for the first time ever! that's exciting stuff man!!

i am also nervous cause i'm seeing my mom for the first time since i was nine and that's really hard. i know she's still doing drugsa and stuff which makes it even harder. but i have sean there to help me so i'm ok... i hope.

nothing else really exciting...

keep it reall homie g dog slice(s)

cleardays @ 2004-06-04T16:33:00

2004-06-04T22:24:16Z

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results

Warmth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Liveliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Social Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Abstractness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Introversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Independence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Tension	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%

Take Free 16pf based Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

cleardays @ 2004-06-04T16:19:00

2004-06-04T22:12:48Z

Well... Nikki and the little ones moved in the other day. There's Zoe who's three and Zane who's two. They're absolutely amazing kiddo's and I love them so much.

I got a knew cell phone so here's the number... 720-470-1746

Target sucks monkey balls... just thought I'd put that out there.

I need more friends!

double wholy cow pie!!!!

2004-05-30T04:09:33Z

Now I can really say wholy cow pie cause I haven't posted in over a month!!! Reeee-diculous!!!

But I am happy with the way things are going... concerning the apartment and all... it's awesome... :D

My cousin's sister-in-law is going to be staying with us for awhile with her two kids and pay $300/month for rent which will help Sean and I a lot.

Good times I tell you what.

G'night.

O:D

Wholy Cow Pie!!!

2004-04-23T23:05:17Z

...hehe... that's funny! "Wholy Cow Pie"!!!

... n e way. I just realized I haven't posted in like over a week. I started my job on Monday... tore half my finger off while moving some stuff around too. They have this thing where they've been accident free for sixty some odd days and it figures that my first day I ruin it (well... I didn't really ruin it, it wasn't serious enough). But that's besides the point.

Yah, so I'm exhausted from pushing, pulling, lugging, building, hanging, breaking, fixing, walking, running, helping, climbing, crawling... etc. for the past work-week. But it was a blast, and it's money.

I can't wait to move into the new apartment!!!

(My little thingy guy that walks... that's exactly how I feel. Like I've been going around in circles always on the move. It's fun.)

WOOO HOOOO!!!

2004-04-15T18:43:04Z

I am very excited about things right now. I am getting my file that contains everything that's happened to me and everything I've done for the past eighteen years and ten months (counting while my mom was pregnant with me of course). The thing is, no one's ever let me read it until now. Now that they don't have a choice and by law have to give it to me because I have asked for it.

There is a downside to this though. They're telling me (the Department of Social Services or DSS) that I have to pay $1.25 for each copy I want. My file's prolly over 2,000 pages long... do you know how much money that is? Not to mention most of it's repeats. So anyway... I caused a big fuss about it and apparently made DSS worry... so my caseworker's boss is going to talk to her supervisor and see if she can "straiten things out". Oh yah... the joy of getting your way. But I feel I have a right to cause a big fuss about this.

Besides... if I still don't get my file, I'm talking to my lawyer... and if that doesn't work... I'll find someone who'll help me... and if they can't, I'm taking it to the press. That will REALLY scare them... DSS doesn't like attention drawn to them, afraid they'll get caught in their lies and only God knows what else. They're all going to burn in Hell for all the shit they put foster kids through. Hehe... they're going to pay!

I am also excited because of the new apartment. I am sooo happy with it. It's beautiful :D (sigh).

I am also excited because I'm seeing my brother on the 24th. We're going to go to breakfast at Denny's. I haven't seen him in awhile so I can't wait. His birthday's on July 23rd and he's going to be 16!!! He's growing up so fast.

.... anyway ....

I'm in a good mood.

cleardays @ 2004-04-12T16:41:00

2004-04-12T22:46:35Z

This whole Pam Anderson look-a-like bullshit is really annoying. This girl is gorgeous and is modifying herself to look like Pam Anderson. People suck... she has natural beauty, she sucks.

New Place!!!

2004-04-08T20:51:35Z

Ok... well the two places sean mentioned are out. We found another place that's soooo much better. It's $800 a month, and there's a swimpool and a small workout room. 2 bed, 2 bath, and absolutely gorgeous!!! I love it. I can't wait till we move in.

I just read Sean's entry from the sixth... I know that he's worried about the whole thing, but I have confindence that it will work out. I'm in the process of getting a job (all I have to do is wait for them to call me and I'm good, hoping I pass the pee test though). I understand why he's hesitant. It hasn't worked out for him in the past living with girlfriends, but we're going to have our space from each other. I'll have my own room that I'm turning into a den, and he'll have his room. Of course we're going to sleep together, but it's our own space when we want to be alone. We have a spacious living room and a fire place, and if Sean decides he does want a west facing apartment on the second floor then we'll have a beautiful view of the mountains and we'll get to watch the sunset every night.

I have my doubts about it too, but I really don't want to get worked up about them. I like the idea of Sean and I living together. I think it'll be a good experience for the both of us. New for me and scarey for him, but I have faith.

About the whole passing the drug test thing, I did a hit of a water bong or whatever it's called on my birthday and apparantly the mj stays in your system for about thirty days. If that's the case and I didn't get enough of it out of my system I'm screwed. But hey, what can they do? I'll just work at a gas station or something. He he. Funny.

So hopefully I get the check that my g-ma sent soon, that way we can put the deposit down within a day or so of hearing if I got the job at Target. The shitty thing is if I don't get it then we can't sign the lease, because I won't have the money for May's rent if I don't get that job.

Oh well. Here's to hoping.

I'm watching 'SPY HARD' :D

a short story

2004-04-07T07:11:59Z

The passengers on the bus watched sympathetically as the attractive young woman with the white cane made her way carefully up the steps. She paid the driver and, using her hands to feel the location of the seats, walked down the aisle and found the seat he'd told her was empty. Then she settled in, placed her briefcase on her lap and rested her cane against her leg.

It had been a year since Susan, 34, became blind. Due to a medical misdiagnosis she had been rendered sightless, and she was suddenly thrown into a world of darkness, anger, frustration and self-pity. And all she had to cling to was her husband, Mark.

Mark was an Air Force officer and he loved Susan with all his heart. When she first lost her sight, he watched her sink into despair and was determined to help his wife gain the strength and confidence she needed to become independent again.

Finally, Susan felt ready to return to her job, but how would she get there? She used to take the bus, but was now too frightened to get around the city by herself. Mark volunteered to drive her to work each day, even though they worked at opposite ends of the city. At first, this comforted Susan, and fulfilled Mark's need to protect his sightless wife who was so insecure about performing the slightest task. Soon, however, Mark realized the arrangement wasn't working. Susan is going to have to start taking the bus again, he admitted to himself. But she was still so fragile, so angry how would she react?

Just as he predicted, Susan was horrified at the idea of taking the bus again. "I'm blind!" she responded bitterly. "How am I supposed to know where I am going? I feel like you're abandoning me."

Mark's heart broke to hear these words, but he knew what had to be done. He promised Susan that each morning and evening he would ride the bus with her, for as long as it took, until she got the hang of it.

And that is exactly what happened. For two solid weeks, Mark, military uniform and all, accompanied Susan to and from work each day. He taught her how to rely on her other senses, specifically her hearing, to determine where she was and how to adapt to her new environment. He helped her befriend the bus drivers who could watch out for her, and save her a seat.

Finally, Susan decided that she was ready to try the trip on her own. Monday morning arrived, and before she left, she threw her arms around Mark, her temporary bus-riding companion, her husband, and her best friend. Her eyes filled with tears of gratitude for his loyalty, his patience, and his love. She said good-bye, and for the first time, they went their separate ways.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday... Each day on her own went perfectly, and Susan had never felt better. She was doing it! She was going to work all by herself.

On Friday morning, Susan took the bus to work as usual. As she was paying the fare to exit the bus, the driver said, "Boy, I sure do envy you. "

Susan wasn't sure if the driver was speaking to her or not. After all, who on earth would ever envy a blind woman who had struggled just to find the courage to live for the past year? Curious, she asked the driver, "Why do you say that you envy me?"

The driver responded, "It must feel good to be taken care of and protected like you are."

Susan had no idea what the driver was talking about, and again asked, "What do you mean?"

The driver answered, "You know, every morning for the past week, a fine-looking gentleman in a military uniform has been standing across the corner watching you as you get off the bus. He makes sure you cross the street safely and he watches until you enter your office building.

Then he blows you a kiss, gives you a little salute and walks away. You are one lucky lady."

TARGET!!!!

2004-04-04T21:04:34Z

So I had a job interview today, part one of two, and I have to go in for the second half tomorrow. I think I'll like working at Target. Full time and good pay. Works for me. I can get my own place soon, which is always a good thing. Hopefully Sean and I can go to Longmont and look at apartments later today.

cleardays @ 2004-04-03T19:44:00

2004-04-04T02:47:29Z

Who will you be stuck with at end of time? by chi_a_baidh
Your name is
Your sex is
Your favorite color is
You are stuck there because	everyone else died due to the wrath of God
For _____ years	22
With
He/She will think you are	God
You will	live in peace

Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

cleardays @ 2004-03-31T14:41:00

2004-03-31T22:05:53Z

The Classic IQ Test

Congratulations, angi!
Your IQ score is 117

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Precision Processor. This means you're exceptionally good at discovering quick solutions to problems, especially ones that involve math or logic. You're also resourceful and able to think on your feet. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.

I HAD NO IDEA I WAS THIS SMART!!!! FIND OUT YOURS
http://web.tickle.com/tests/uiq/?sid=3&AID=7201401&PID=644669&from=text3&test=uiqogt

cleardays @ 2004-03-31T14:14:00

2004-03-31T21:17:24Z

My personality is rated 33.What is yours?</center>quiz by midgetfarm.com

Your score is
33/50
what does that mean?
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

HOT TOPICS!!!

2004-03-31T21:11:41Z

Ok, some more issues for everyone to ponder on. I'd like to hear other points of views on each subject.

Bush: What's up with him? I personally don't like him.

Check out these websights-----
http://members.aol.com/johng101/bushrec.htm
http://www.georgewbushwhackers.com/bushdance.html

THEY'RE BASHING WEBSIGHTS... HOW FUN IS THAT?

Anyway... GWBJ has caused me to believe, more than ever, that our government is nothing but a big conspiracy. For those of you that have ever seen "Bowling for Columbine" you'll know what I mean. It's very thought provoking. My boyfriend made me sit and watch it, but I'm glad I did. So for those of you who've seen it, you've already thought about it.

... So, for those of you who haven't seen it... have you ever wondered why our country has the highest rate of muder and gun use and what not? If you look at Canada, it's even easier for them to get access to a gun, and yet their crime rate is soooo much lower than ours.

Michael Moore says one of the reasons for our high crime rate is because of the government always trying to scare us. Wars, escaped convicts, serial killers... it's always something. They're always telling us to be scared about something whether it's in our country or has to do with other countries. Watch the news in Canada and compare the difference with what we see everyday in the U.S. You'll be surprised!

http://www.bowlingforcolumbine.com/
Check out this websight for more information about the movie

***************************************************************

Abortion: Another hot topic!

I personally would never dream of aborting a (non)child (depending on how you look at it) but I want the opportunity to be there for those women who believe it's the only answer.

When abortions are made illegal, women don't stop having abortions. Instead, they now must do them in an unsafe manner, leading to higher death rates.
*hangers
*pills

How many illegal abortions are there?
In 1972 there were 1,00,000 illegal abortions and 5,000 to 10,000 women died from doing them. IMAGINE HOW MANY ILLEGAL ABORTIONS WE HAVE NOW? With an increase in technology and what not. BUT! Since abortion has been legal... the death rate in abortion and illegal abortions has dropped drastically.

What do you think?
---------Som websights to help you out---------
Anti: http://www.mrdata.net/books/9reasons.htm

Pro: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/abortion/9reasons.html

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT EACH ISSUE... THEY'RE HEART TOPICS!

Just The Way

2004-03-31T05:34:19Z

It's the way you look at me
The way you hold me tight
When my heart is feeling blue
And I'm shaking, full of fright
It's the way you touch my hand
When we're walking down the street
The way you make me feel
When I'm feeling weak
It's the way you say "I love you"
Anytime and everywhere
How you make me feel welcome
Even when you're not there
It's how your heart is warm
When I'm feeling cold
How your eyes are wondering
Of secrets I haven't told
It's the way you comfort me
In the hours of the night
The way my heart just sings
And makes everything feel right
It's just the way you are
That makes me want so much
The way you open me
From just a simple touch

Job Hunting!!! WOO HOO!!!

2004-03-30T22:08:27Z

Ok. I get to go out and look for a job today... how exciting. If ayone knows a good place for me to work let me know.

My baby!!!

2004-03-26T21:01:35Z

sean is my
traffic-stopping squeeze

Get your sweetheart's pet name @ Quiz Me

discover what candy you are @ quiz me

cleardays @ 2004-03-26T13:01:00

2004-03-26T20:08:33Z

Only two more days until my birthday and I am getting more and more ansy. I am excited about tomorrow night... hope to see some of you there of course:D

Well... today's kind of a boring day. I'm sitting here with Leela, whom I've fallen in love with. She's the greatest dog 'cept she gets into everything. I got up this morning and there was trash scattered all over the house. Sean picked some up this morning I guess, so either he missed some or Leela went on another rampage.

I took her outside around the neighborhood to run around a bit and man does she have a lot of energy! I pooped her out though... she's passed out next to me right now :D

So yah, Lisa, I'm keeping your dog!

cleardays @ 2004-03-25T19:17:00

2004-03-26T02:25:52Z

The dog of my dreams!!!! (The Golden Retriever Puppies!!!)

http://www.puppyfind.com/?act=search&gallery=1&subject=Labrador+Retriever&sc=b&size=&purpose=&upkeep=&page_num=&page=5&quick_flag=&sc=b&more=20&cont_subject=

Sad times and Sad days.... but....

2004-03-26T02:09:04Z

Emotional override... I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm not liking it. Things are happening, unexplainable and unwanted things. I don't know what to do anymore. Every morning when I wake up I have to remind myself where I am. I don't know where the day's are going and I don't remember half of them. It's scarey not knowing things I should know. I'm not going to go into details with anything, but a lot of it has to do with past traumatic experiences.

But...

I am not going to let this get me down. There's too much in the world that I have to see and moping around feeling sorry for myself isn't the answer. Depression isn't going to get the best of me.

On the upside... I'm really excited about my birthday :D

Draggy!

2004-03-24T21:19:06Z

</td>

My draggy!

Get one!

Partay!!!!!

2004-03-24T01:15:10Z

Ok, so my birthday, unfortunately, is on this SUNDAY... so concidering people have jobs, we're having a party on Saturday night... fun times... can't wait. All my past birthdays have completely sucked, well, those that I can remember anyway. So this one is going to rock. People coming over that I hardly know... a chance for me to make new friend. Nora and JC, hope to see you there... along with bunches of others.

I'm so excited!!!!! :D

In the words of Sean.... Jolly god day!

2004-03-17T22:30:18Z

Ok... last nights uneventful, chaotic and unreasonable amounts of bickering and incredible amounts of fighting with Sean left us both drained today. I was going to sleep on the couch last night but the thought of leaving Sean alone in his room really got to me. I entered into his domain a couple times not sure if he was sleeping or not... and then i would leave... and then come back... and then leave... you get the picture.

So i finally gave in and pulled in next to him. He wrapped his arms around me and neither one of us said a word... and then we had the makeup sex, which is always the best... sorry for those of you who didn't want to hear that.

Anyway... so this afternoon I woke up and all was good and Sean and I are happy again... Jolly good day!